Five things I wished someone had told me about aging parents.

“Oh, are you sending your kid off to college?” a woman asked me as she saw the twin extra-long sheets in my shopping cart.  I just smiled and nodded at her.  I didn’t want to tell her the truth which was that a hospital bed was delivered to my mother’s home and the bed happens to be a twin extra-long.  It hit me later that she wasn’t completely wrong – I was in a way a parent now, not to college bound kids but to elderly parents.  I never had children of my own, but at this stage in my life, the word “diaper” has appeared when I thought I was never going to use that word.   

 

Sometimes I think the realization of the switch came soft and gently and other times I feel as if it smacked me in the face.  It was two years ago when my parents began to fall.  My nearly 88 year old dad has recovered and seems to be on stable ground, whereas my 80 year old mother has been in the nursing home 4 times now.  People are living much longer these days and we’re going to see a lot more people hit 100.  Are we ready to take care of them? 

But what I’m talking about is keeping your own sanity while caring for parents that love and need you.  I have a friend whose 80 year old mother is a caregiver to her 100 year old grandmother.  That’s rough.  I’m 50 and there are days when I want to lay on my mother’s hospital bed.  

At 20, I believed I would be young forever and so would my parents.  Their aging was the furthest thing from my mind.  At 30, I still to some degree believed that the golden years were too far away to even consider.  I would have laughed if anyone had come up to me then and told me to make sure I was prepared for caring for my aging parents.  Even in my early 40s, my mother could walk faster than me.  And my dad spent hours out in his garden.  And I was happily living in the stupor of my own naiveté. 

 Of course hindsight is 20/20 but still you wish you had someone tell you what to expect, whether you were really listening or not.  What would I tell my 30 or 40 year old self now?  That’s what this article is about.  So if you’re 20, save this somewhere and bring it out when you turn 30.  Remember it when you are 40 and you will thank me by the time you are 50. 

How do you prepare for the increased life span of elderly parents? Here’s some tips:

 1.  Remember that you are not alone.  So many have dealt with these issues before you.  Keep a circle of friends your age who are going through the same things or join groups that are.  Solidarity always makes it easier to go through things you are not sure of and you can always learn from each other as well. 

 2.  Regardless of what your age is, when your parents reach 65, that might be a good time to talk to them about what their plans for the future are.  I know 65 is young these days and many don’t want to think about unpleasant things.  You could just say you want to be prepared.  Talking about finances and available resources are very important topics.  Should they take out a long term care insurance policy?  This would be the age to figure some of this stuff out.

3. Have a sit down with your siblings.  I see time and again when an only daughter or an unmarried sibling is left with the responsibilities to care for the aging parents.  Have that talk now about what each of you think would be fair.  These parents raised all of you and this should be a joint effort.  If not, resentments can form and make things worse.  If you are the only child, then do some research on caregivers. There are many good ones out there.

 4.  If your parents are 75 and traveling the world over, great.  But anyone can slip in the bathtub.  Talk to your parents about when to take precautions by putting in safety rails, bathtub benches, etc. 

 5.  Most important point – take care of yourself.  I saw a poster the other day that said “When caring for others, don’t leave yourself behind.”  A close friend of mind told me once that in an effort to keep my parents alive, I was killing myself.  That really stung.  I was so wrapped up in meeting other’s needs that I had left myself behind.  I had to learn to let go and stop trying to be superwoman. 

 So my advice is, find time to nurture your soul when caring for aging parents.  Do the things that bring joy to your life, no matter how simple those things might be.  Renew and refresh your own life on a regular basis and when the waters rage, you’ll be better equipped to handle the storm.  Once a woman who saw me helping my mother in a public bathroom told me she that got to care of her mother also and that I was blessed.  I didn’t feel very blessed at the time but I chose to believe that woman because she had gone through the experience.  She knew the ups and downs and with her mother now gone, I could see she held no regrets.  That’s where I hope to be, with no regrets.